Les Miserables 2: Back To The Barricade
by Schmerg The Impaler
Summary: Probably the worst musical farce of all time! Twenty-five years after Les Miserables, the thoroughly direspected Marius travels back in time to the barricade to prove his worth. INSANITY ENSUES. And many, many songs.
1. Chapter 1

LES Misérables 2: BACK TO THE BARRICADE

A Disturbing New Musical Adventure

Music By Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cat, and The Creators of "The Electric Sunshine Man" and "Starmites"

Book By Stephenie Meyer

Produced By Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny

Directed By George Lucas and Ed Wood

"The hideous love child of D*mn Yankees, Back To The Future, and Les Misérables, only worse! I've had nightmares a bit like this."  
—Ben Brantley, leading critic for New York Times, raves.

CAST:  
Marius Pontmercy………………………………………..Michael Ball  
Cosette Pontmercy…………………………. ………...Susan Egan  
Montparnasse……………………………………………...Sean Palmer  
Thenardier…………………………………………………...Timothy Spall  
Enjolras…………………………………………………….....Edward Watts  
Javert……………………………………………………….....Norm Lewis  
Éponine…………………………………………………….....Bella Swan  
Jean Valjean………………………………………………..Hugh Panaro  
Grantaire……………………………………………….......James Barbour  
Gavroche…………………………………………….........That tiny freshman  
Loudhailer…………………………………………………....Patti LuPone  
National Guard Guy Soloist………………………...Brian D'Arcy James  
Fanteponine Georjeane Pontmercy……………[My sister]

Barricade Boys

Combeferre………………………………………….Lucas Grabeel  
Courfeyrac……………………………………………Neil Patrick Harris  
Jean Prouvaire……………………………………..Elijah Kelly  
Joly………………………………………………………..Tyler Maynard  
Bossuet………………………………………………….Christian Borle  
Feuilly………………………………………………… ...Aaron Tveit  
Random chorus guy who gets shot first………………[A friend of mine named Zack]

There are some inside jokes in this scene. One I feel the need to explain is the Raoul one. Basically, my theatre teacher was talking about how everyone has to sing to audition for the musical, even if they want a non-singing part, and this boy starts going, "Muuuusic of the niiiiight" in the most horrendous voice you can imagine. And some kid shouts, "That was the worst thing I've ever heard! We're casting you as Raoul!" And the other guy yells, "No, not Raoul! That is UNCALLED for!" And I'm also playing on the fact that Michael Ball did play Raoul. Okay, on with:

**Scene One**

_(It is about twenty-five years after the end of Les Misérables. The Baron and Baroness Pontmercy are sitting at home. MARIUS is messing about with some paperwork, while COSETTE is fixing her makeup in the mirror.)_

MARIUS: Cosette, dear?

_(COSETTE looks up, looking slightly startled and irritated)_

MARIUS: How come we never… sing anymore?

COSETTE: What?

MARIUS: We used to sing, all the time—you know, 'A heart full of love, a heart full of song…' How come we haven't sung in so long?

COSETTE: Because you have a terrible voice.

MARIUS: _(Wounded) _What?

COSETTE: Your vibrato makes me sea sick. It sounds like you're singing while riding a stampeding bull elephant. And your vowels are disgusting. Sometimes, you sound like you're doing a bad Elvis impersonation. Your voice is awful. I bet if Cameron Mackintosh heard you sing, he'd cast you as Raoul.

MARIUS: _(Very hurt)_ Raoul? That is uncalled for. You used to LIKE my singing!

COSETTE: I used to like lots of things. I used to like those hideous nun-dresses with the freaky pilgrim collars, but you don't see me wearing those around anymore. _(Beat)_ And that was before I had to listen to you singing in the shower every single morning at five-thirty. I need my beauty sleep. I don't need to hear that horrible "One Step Out Of Time" song for the millionth time.

MARIUS: I'm sorry, honey, I didn't know you felt that way. _(Tries to hug her. She pulls away.)_

COSETTE: Lose some weight before you hug me, Marius.

_(MARIUS makes pathetic wordless mouth movements like a very sad dying fish.)_

COSETTE: When was the last time you went to the gym, seriously? It's embarrassing to be seen in public with a slob like you.

MARIUS: _(Indignant)_ I'm a very busy man! I have my law practice—which is, I must say, flourishing—and I spend all my free time taking care of—

COSETTE: Of the child you foisted on me thirteen years ago. I still haven't forgiven you for that. I never asked for a little brat to take care of, especially not one with a ridiculous name like Fanteponine. Perfect, a kid named after two filthy dead skanks! Perfect role models!

MARIUS: _(Scandalized)_ Cosette! One of those 'filthy dead skanks' was your mother! She was an absolute saint! And Éponine brought me to you—

COSETTE: _(Grimly)_ I know. _(Pulls face)_ Wish she'd died sooner.

MARIUS: WHAT?!?!

COSETTE: Anyway, that doesn't change the fact that Fanteponine Georjeane is a terrible name. If I wanted to name my daughter after ugly dead people, I'd have called her Albus Severus.

MARIUS: _(Beginning to get defensive) _Well, it's better than Renesmee!

COSETTE: Don't be a fool, Marius. Renesmee is a beautiful name.

MARIUS: _(Soothingly)_ Well, if we ever have another baby, you can name her—

COSETTE: Ha! Yeah, right. You're gross enough when the lights are on, but you're not any better in the dark.

MARIUS: You used to enjoy—

COSETTE: I was young and inexperienced then.

MARIUS: Inexperienced? But I'm the only one you've ever—

COSETTE: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, kiddo.

_(MARIUS clutches his head in his hands, and with a Herculean effort, shifts back to previous conversation topic.)_

MARIUS: Well, would it kill you to spend a little time with Fanteponine? She barely knows you. She's a good kid; I bet you'd like her.

COSETTE: In your dreams. Unlike you, I have a social life. I don't need to be dragged to Jonas Brothers concerts and sit there listening to chatter about who's totally dreamy.

MARIUS: _(Staring in a wounded, longing sort of way for a moment.)_ You never say 'I love you' anymore.

COSETTE: Well, that's certainly true.

MARIUS: Cosette… your father risked his life for me. He wouldn't—

COSETTE: Yeah, well, he also risked his life for a flippin' loaf of bread. My dad was a nice guy, but he didn't always have his priorities straightened out. He'd drag any pathetic boy through the sewer if it meant he got to sing a few more high notes.

MARIUS:_ (Shaking head)_ What's happened to us, Cosette?

COSETTE: _(Flatly)_ Well, you got annoying and fat and I got sick of you.

MARIUS: But we used to have something! What we had was pure, and strong, and God-given, and beautiful!

COSETTE: Let me tell you a secret, Marius. You are the most boring guy I have ever met. And that's considering I spent fifteen years living with no one for company but my dad. I used to pretend to listen to you babble on about politics and all your silly little Enlightenment ideals because you were so darn cute. Well, I have news for you. You're not cute anymore.

MARIUS: I'm forty-seven. Of course I'm not as good-looking as I used to be. Of course I've settled down. Of course I'm not as… daring as I was.

COSETTE: Not as daring? Marius, you are a sad, lame loser, and you have always been a sad, lame loser, and you will always be a sad, lame loser. I was willing to excuse that when you were young and cute, but seriously? You've never done a cool thing in your entire life.

MARIUS: What do you mean? I threatened to blow up the barricade. I single-handedly saved the Revolution, while it lasted.

COSETTE: That was in the book, Marius. No one's read that. If we're going by the book, then I wouldn't have made that comment about my dad singing high notes. Well, I know the musical. You did next to nothing on the Barricade.

MARIUS: Yes, I was too busy worrying about you!

COSETTE: Good story, Marius. But let's face it, if you were back at that Barricade today, you'd be just as sad and lame. If not more so. I'll be totally honest with you—you are a pointless waste of human life, and if Fanteponine starts to take after you in any way, I'm putting her up for adoption faster than you can say 'Castle on a Cloud.'

MARIUS: _(Sighing)_ That's it.

COSETTE: _(Excited) _Ooh! Are you going to leave me? 'Cause, you know, I wouldn't mind if you wanted a divorce, really I wouldn't.

MARIUS: No… no, I'm just going for a walk. _(He exits.)_

COSETTE: Hmm, time to change the locks again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Scene Two **

_(MARIUS is shuffling along a dark alleyway, hands in his pockets, kicking an empty soda can as he goes along.) _

MARIUS: _(To himself) _I am not a loser. I'm the only person still alive who was at the Barricade. That makes me a winner! I am a very successful lawyer. I am a wonderful father. I am a fantastic cook. And I am still pretty good-looking for my age! _(He bursts into tears) _I AM a loser! I am! I haven't done a single selfless, heroic thing in my life! Cosette is an angel! She deserves someone strong and dashing and worthy of her beauty. No wonder she's angry. I am a failure!

_(MONTPARNASSE drops from the sky. He is in shadow, so he is barely visible except for a vague silhouette.) _

MARIUS: _(Freezes) _Who's there?

_(MONTPARNASSE slowly walks from the shadows, gleaming cane first. He is young and beautiful, impeccably dressed, but there's something slightly… off about his appearance.) _

MONTPARNASSE: Ah, don't you recognize me, Marius? _(Looks at him closely) _Hmmm, you look better than I thought you would.

MARIUS: Tell that to Cosette. _(Beat) _Erm… I mean… who are you? Do I know you from somewhere? _(To himself) _Did I ever defend him in court or something?

MONTPARNASSE: Remember that man from the pub about two, three years ago? The tall one in the unusual hat?

MARIUS: No… no, I don't think so.

MONTPARNASSE: The one who sat down at the bar and started tweezing his eyebrows?

MARIUS: No, I'm afraid not…

MONTPARNASSE: The one who bought your cufflinks off of you for a ridiculously high sum?

MARIUS: _(Thinks for a moment) _Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do remember that!

MONTPARNASSE: Well, that wasn't me.

MARIUS: Ah. _(MONTPARNASSE steps fully into the light with a swish of his cape.) _

MONTPARNASSE: I am Montparnasse! Phantom of the shadows! Fop of the house of death!

MARIUS: Still doesn't ring any bells.

MONTPARNASSE: _(Pauses and scratches his chin) _Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I pulled a knife on you in "Look Down/The Robbery?"

MARIUS: _(Sudden realization dawning on him) _What? You… but… it… you… you were… it… that… I…I'm quite positive that we were the same age twenty-five years ago!

MONTPARNASSE: Oh, I do see your problem. Well, you see, I am a Time Lord.

MARIUS: What's that?

MONTPARNASSE: _(Hitting Marius with his cane) _I don't have time to explain these things, Marius. Jeez. I have an important proposition to make. I can't help but notice that you don't seem to be… satisfied with your life. I'm giving you the chance to start… afresh. How would you like to go back to the Barricade and really prove your worth this time around?

MARIUS: Are you kidding? Of course I—(_Breaks off and squints suspiciously) _What's in it for you?

MONTPARNASSE: _(Innocently) _Whatever do you mean?

MARIUS: Why would you do this for me? What's the loophole?

MONTPARNASSE: Oh, stop thinking like a lawyer, Marius? I just happened to pop into this particular time period, and I couldn't help but notice that you were unhappy, so I thought, 'why not give the poor blighter a chance?' _(Slings arm companionably around Marius, though in a way that causes his thumb to be positioned at a crucial pressure point.)_ Well, what do you say? Is it a yes? Adventures at the barricade, back in your prime, with your old buddies?

MARIUS: Well…

MONTPARNASSE: _(Sings) _

Do you hear the people sing?  
No, you don't, it's only me

But you will, if you travel back in time

And yield a victory.

When I open up my cane

There is a button there inside.

It will transport you back to the day

All your buddies died!

Change the bad choices you made

This time be strong, repay your debt!  
Back at the Barricade

Will you kick butt, impress Cosette?  
Don't pass this up, man

Wimping out will be your worst choice yet?

Do you hear the people sing?  
No, 'cause your wife can't stand your voice.

But there'll be many songs to come

If you just make the daring choice.

If you don't, then same old life

Same disrespect, same old routine.

Same old huge phone bills to pay off for Fanteponine.

Are you scared to just for once

Simply jump in and take a chance?  
After all man, how can things get worse

In terms of, say, romance?

So have a blast, change the past

And, singlehanded, save France!

Do you hear the people sing?  
No, you don't, it's only me

But you will, if you travel back in time

And yield a victory.

When I open up my cane

There is a button there inside.

It will transport you back to the day

All your buddies died!

MONTPARNASSE: _(Spoken) _Come on, Marius. You've always been a poet and dreamer… and a gullible stool pigeon. Is this mundane life as a henpecked lawyer really all you want out of your brief existence on this mortal coil?

MARIUS: Well… _(MONTPARNASSE whacks him with the cane again) _I'll… I'll do it!

MONTPARNASSE: Splendid!

_(Flips open the diamond on the top of his cane. There is a big red button there. MARIUS pushes it, with a trembling finger, and instantly vanishes into thin air.) _

MONTPARNASSE: _(Flipping the top closed and strutting away, muttering to himself) _Stupid sucker.

**SCENE THREE **

_("One Day More" is playing faintly in the background. A much younger Marius is asleep, sprawled across a rather dubiously-stained mattress over at the CPS. And by that, I mean Courfeyrac's Pad of Sexiness.) _

MARIUS: _(Waking up) _Now, where am I? This room is squalid! _(Stands up and looks around) _All right, I know I've been here before, but I just can't put my finger on exactly wh— _(Catches sight of his face in the mirror and freezes) _

MARIUS: OH MY GOD ON HIGH!

_(Runs up to mirror and examines himself thoroughly in it, turning every which way to examine each beautiful angle in utter disbelief.) _

MARIUS: Cosette was right. I was cute… I… am cute. _(Glances at calendar)_ June 1832… That suspicious-looking man in the alleyway was telling the truth! What are the odds of that? I'm BACK AT THE BARRICADE! _(He does an incredibly awkward dance and promptly stops. Apparently, being cute isn't enough to turn a square like Marius cool.) _

VOICES IN THE BACKGROUND: One more dawn… one more day… one day more!

MARIUS: I remember that song! Ahahaha, it's all coming back to me! Wait… how did they do "One Day More" without a Marius? I am integral to that song! _(Beat) _You know, I can probably make it over to the barricade by the end of intermission! _(He puts on coat and hat.)_ Ugh. Did I really dress this badly?

_(Starts for the door, but trips over a magazine. He picks it up with vague curiosity, opens it, and immediately snaps it shut.) _

MARIUS: Oh, now I remember. Courfeyrac. _(Picks up the filthy magazine like it's a dirty diaper and gently tosses it in the wastepaper basket.) _

MARIUS: TO THE BARRICADE! _(He runs for the door)_ Whoa… I'm fast! No trick knee anymore! _(He slips on another magazine and crashes to the floor.) _Ah. Fast, but awkward. Figures.

_(He heads resolutely toward the Barricade. As soon as he exits, Thenardier skulks past the window, peers inside, and smiles to himself.)_

THENARDIER: So the boy's arrived. Perfect.


	3. Chapter 3

**THE HIDEOUSLY OVERLONG SCENE FOUR,**

_(MARIUS approaches the spot where the Barricade is being constructed. ENJOLRAS is there, gleaming heroically in the sun like a two-dimensional character and/or Edward Cullen.)_

MARIUS: Well, he's exactly as I remembered him.

ENJOLRAS:  
Here upon these stones, we will build a Barricade  
In the heart of the city we claim as our own.  
Each man to each duty and don't be afraid  
WAIT! I will need a report on the strength of the foe!

_(JAVERT enters. Ignore the cast list; he is totally Terrence Mann. So he's older than any Javert should be.)_

JAVERRENCE MANN: _(Wheezily)_  
I can find out the truth  
I know their ways  
Fought their wars  
Served my time!  
In the DAAAAAAAAAAAYS…

_(He passes out because he's so old and is dragged discreetly offstage)_

SOME GUY:  
Now the people will fight!

MARIUS:  
This song is tight!

GRANTAIRE:  
Dogs will bark  
Fleas will bite.

FEUILLY:  
They will do what is right!

_(Éponine enters, unconvincingly disguised as a boy.)_

MARIUS:  
Hey, Éponine, I know that's you.  
God, Éponine, you're not my type.  
You're kind of creepy, and you smell  
Despite the rabid fangirl hype.  
Get out before the trouble starts  
Get out, 'Ponine, you might get shot!

Éponine:  
I've got you worried now, I have!

MARIUS:  
Sometimes, it's hard to be this hot!  
Let's see, Cosette's still fine at home  
No need to tell her where I went  
Why write a letter like last time?  
'Ponine died after it was sent.  
No one wants blood on the cement.

_(Cut to VALJEAN's house. COSETTE is sitting there reading one of Marius' old letters.)_

VALJEAN:  
I've heard there's some kind of riot in town—  
Not to scare you, Cosette.  
Looks like some boys built a barricade  
Down at the Rue de Villette. _(Sees COSETTE with a letter.)_  
What is that letter, my dear girl?  
The postman hasn't come by yet.

COSETTE:  
It's my own business who this is from  
And what this letter contains.

VALJEAN:  
Okay, I'll shut up now.

COSETTE:  
That's a good dad  
Don't you tax your poor brains. _(To herself, thinking about MARIUS)_  
He's not out there—he'll do what's right.  
He won't be in the streets tonight.

(Cut back to MARIUS at the Barricade. Éponine is embarrassing him in every way possible in front of the guys, and he is sick and tired of it. So are the other guys. Éponine just keeps blissfully chattering away and flirting, totally ruining the gravity of the situation.)

MARIUS:  
She won't leave me alone again  
I'm like the only one she'll talk to  
You pity poor girls with no friends  
Until the day one starts to stalk you.  
And now the night is near  
And somehow, Éponine's still here.

Sometimes, I dream of clubbing her  
With the back end of Enjy's rifle  
Of, if that doesn't do her in  
A stab from Montparnasse's knife'll.  
Why do I want her dead?  
Because she's crazy in the head.

Éponine:  
On my phone, I text him twenty times a day.  
Him alone, my life revolves around him.  
Without shame, incessantly I hound him  
And he never complains, unlike 'Parnasse—  
I'm glad I found him!

MARIUS:  
She's insane  
Her laugh sounds like a porpoise's.  
And she smells  
Like partly rotted corpses.  
In the darkness  
She grabs my private regions  
I only hope she won't withstand  
The night's relentless siegin'.

COURFEYRAC:  
And I know  
He said he was in love  
But if that's the girl  
He's got horrendous taste.  
Though I'll try to keep an open mind  
She's so gross!

ENJOLRAS:  
And she's so unchaste!

COMBEFERRE:  
Enjolras is like a marble column  
He can't stand, well, anything unsolemn.  
If she gets shot or not, it doesn't matter  
If bullets don't, this girl will kill him  
With her ceaseless chatter.

MARIUS: _(Inside his head, NOT out loud—he's too much of a gentleman for such rudeness)_  
I hate you  
I hate to say it, but it's true.  
All my life, I over-idealized you.  
How come I just never realized you  
Had fewer perks  
Than irksome quirks  
Too vexing to condone?  
I hate you.

Éponine:  
I'd date you!

MARIUS:  
I hate you  
So please leave me… alone!

ALL:  
Now we pledge ourselves to hold this Barricade!

MARIUS:  
Let them come in their legions and they will be met.

ENJOLRAS:  
Have faith in yourselves, and don't be afraid

Éponine: _(Jumping at Marius)_  
I'll give you a— _(FEUILLY claps a hand over her mouth)_ Mmmph mmmph mmph mmph!

ENJOLRAS:  
This is where it begins!

MARIUS:  
And if I revise tonight's fight to be free  
I will prove I'm a hero

Éponine:  
Then get married to me!

FEUILLY:  
Let them come if they dare…

Éponine: _(Clutching MARIUS)_  
I'll be there!

_(MARIUS is feeling most intensely the repercussions of changing the past and not giving Éponine a letter to deliver. He's pretty sure things can't get worse, when all of a sudden, PATTI LUPONE drops from the sky and lands on top of the Barricade.)_

PATTI LUPONE:  
You at the Barricades, listen to this!  
No one is coming to help you to fight.  
_(Points at Éponine)_  
You're on your own!  
_(Points at GRANTAIRE)_  
You have no friends!  
_(Points at ENJOLRAS… and his arm muscles)_  
Give up your guns or die!

ENJOLRAS:  
D*mn their warnings  
D*mn their lies

Éponine:  
D*mn your flabby ancient thighs!

ALL:  
D*mn their warnings  
D*mn their lies  
They will see the people rise!

_(JAVERT shows up and knocks PATTI LUPONE off the top of the Barricade with a terrible splat. Only JAVERT is no longer Terrence Mann! He is Norm Lewis!)_

JAVERT:  
Listen, my friends  
I have done as I said  
I've learned all of my lines  
I've replaced Terrence Mann  
I will tell what I can.  
Better be warned  
They have armies to spare  
And the danger is real  
We will need all our cunning  
To bring them to heel.

ENJOLRAS:  
Have faith, if you know what their movements are  
We'll spoil the game!  
There are ways that our people can FIGHT  
We shall overcome their power!

JAVERT:  
I have overheard their plans  
There will be no attack tonight.

MARIUS:  
If I really have my way,  
That might just turn out to be right…

JAVERT:  
… Concentrate their force  
Hit us from the right.

_(GAVROCHE jumps up to sing his tiny, truncated song, but MARIUS gets there first)_

MARIUS:  
Liar!

_(GAVROCHE gapes in anger and stomps offstage, never to return.)_

MARIUS:  
Good evening, dear Inspector  
I thought I'd find you there.  
I know this man, my friends,  
His name's Inspector Javert!  
So don't believe a word he says  
'Cause none of it's true.  
It only goes to show  
Emcee MP's got you, foo'!

'Cause I already know  
Just what will come to pass  
And I can change them this time  
Thanks to Montparnasse!  
So this time I'm in charge  
I hope you'll understand  
I'm fighting back, and now I have  
The upper hand  
So Act Two will go according  
To my own command.

GRANTAIRE:  
Bravo, Pontmercy  
Man, you're the top of your class  
Strange to think I always though that you were an_—(FEUILLY quickly covers his mouth)_

ENJOLRAS:  
Tie this man and take him to the tavern in there  
The people will decide your fate, Inspector Javert!

SOME GUY:  
Take the BAD MAN now and shoot him!

FEUILLY:  
Let us watch this devil dance!

GRANTAIRE: _(Obviously noting that this particular JAVERT is the dashing Norm Lewis)_  
Or we could just tie him up, undo his shirt, and steal his pants?

_(Everyone looks at him)_

GRANTAIRE:  
No?

JAVERT:  
Shoot me now or shoot me later

MARIUS:  
Or have mercy on your soul..

JAVERT:  
Death to each and every traitor!

MARIUS:  
I think I'll enjoy this role.

COMBEFERRE:  
Though we may not all survive here  
There are things that never die.

GRANTAIRE:  
What's the difference, die a schoolboy  
Die a p'liceman  
Die a SPY!

ENJOLRAS:  
Take this man, bring him through, there is work we have to do.

_(Éponine starts dancing around, sticking her tongue out at JAVERT and laughing maniacally.)_

MARIUS:  
Good God, what's going on now  
'Ponine--why's she still here?  
Why's she healthy and kicking  
Her death scene's getting near!  
Took some liberties I guess  
With all the things I felt went wrong  
But I didn't factor in  
That we would have to cut this song!

_(The scene completely skips "A Little Fall of Rain"/ "Night of Anguish" altogether.)_

Éponine: (spoken) No fair! That was my favourite song!

MARIUS: (spoken) I know it was. I've never heard a dying person belt so loud.

_(He climbs up onto the Barricade and starts scanning the area. He starts singing the "... here comes a man in uniform" bit.)_

MARIUS:  
I think the Guard is coming near  
I hear them marching by  
It's different without Jean Valjean  
I sort of miss that guy. _(Looks again)_  
Yes, men in army uniforms  
I see them coming through.  
But maybe I don't need to think  
What Jean Valjean would do.  
That spy who calls himself Javert  
Might just prove useful, too!

JEAN PROUVAIRE:  
They're getting ready for a fight!

MARIUS:  
Oh, it would be a shame  
If things don't work out well tonight.  
Then I'm the one they'd blame.

JOLY: Platoon of sappers, advancing toward the Barricade!

JEAN PROUVAIRE: Troops behind them! Fifty men or more!

THINGY:  
Da-daaaa! Da-daaaa! Da-da-da-da-da-da! FIRE!

_(MARIUS is up on the Barricade doing everything VALJEAN did and more so, deflecting all of the bullets by shooting them down. His aim is rather preternaturally good, considering that he's, you know, MARIUS.)_

BOSSUET:  
See how they run away

GRANTAIRE:  
By God, we've won the day!

ENJOLRAS:  
They will be back again  
They'll murder Zack next, men. _(That's the random guy friend)_  
For your presence of mind  
And the deed you have done  
I will thank you, M'sieur  
When our battle is won.

MARIUS:  
Give me no thanks, M'sieur  
There's something you can do

ENJOLRAS:  
If it is in my power.

MARIUS:  
Give me the spy Javert  
Let me take care of him!

JAVERT:  
This scene is inside out, the script is upside-down!

ENJOLRAS:  
Do what you have to do  
The man belongs to you!  
_(Spoken)_ The enemy may be regrouping. Hold yourselves in readiness. Come, my friends, back to your positions!

_(GRANTAIRE and Éponine muffle snickers.)_

ENJOLRAS:  
THE NIGHT IS FALLING FAAAAAST!

_(MARIUS strolls over to where JAVERT is tied up.)_

MARIUS:  
We meet again.

JAVERT:  
Who are you?  
Aren't you… that guy?

MARIUS:  
Perhaps I am.

JAVERT:  
Why do you want me to die?

MARIUS:  
You talk too much.  
Your life is safe in my hands.

JAVERT:  
Don't… understand.  
It's so unclear.  
This makes no sense.  
What's in for you?_ (Holds out his hands to be untied.)_

MARIUS: _(Not budging to untie him)_  
You're staying here.

JAVERT:  
You're a wimp, a sad, spineless wimp  
What you want, you don't deserve.  
You would kill me for your cause  
But you just don't have the nerve.  
Shoot me now, or are you scared?  
Take a deep breath, say a prayer.  
Are you frightened of Javert?

MARIUS: _(Taking offense and standing up straight)_  
You are wrong  
And always have been wrong.  
I am a man  
As strong as any man.  
You are bait  
To better our condition  
To bargain our position.  
I've got a plan I think will work  
I don't need lip from you, you jerk.  
If I come out of this alive, you'll be set free.  
If you survive, avoid the Seine.  
I won't let that occur again!

ENJOLRAS:  
Courfeyrac, you take the watch  
They won't attack until it's light.  
Éponine, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.  
We must be ready for the fight  
For the final fight.  
Let no one sleep tonight.

GRANTAIRE: _(Muttering)_ And by that, he means, 'don't let Éponine do freaky things to you in your sleep.'


	4. Chapter 4

**Scene Four, Part Two**

ENJOLRAS: Marius, rest.

MARIUS:  
Back again to days gone by  
Singing all the songs I knew.  
Here's a creepy girl who's sick in the head  
Here's a creepy girl who wants me in bed.

ALL:  
Here's to her  
And here's to you!

MARIUS:  
Here I am, in days gone by  
Could it be this time, I'll die?  
Will the world remember me if I fall  
Or will I have not existed at all?  
I am not a wimp… am I?

ALL:  
Drink with me to days gone by

MARIUS:  
To the life that used to be  
Maybe this time, my companions won't die  
Maybe… Éponine! Stop rubbing my thigh!

ALL:  
Here's to you  
And here's to me!

MARIUS:  
Will she care if I should die?  
Will she think of me fondly?  
Will you weep, Cosette, should Marius fall?  
How can you not love me? I'm Michael Ball!  
Say you'll weep, Cosette, for me!

_(Everyone's pretty much asleep, except for MARIUS. Suddenly, the opening arpeggio of "Bring Him Home" begins to play. MARIUS is feeling deeply uneasy because everyone else is asleep, JEAN VALJEAN is nowhere around, and heck, someone has to sing that song.)_

MARIUS:  
God, it's high.  
Jeez, I swear  
Up till now,  
Valjean's always been there,  
At this point.  
It's his song!  
It's so high  
And so long.  
Sing like Colm  
Sing like Colm  
Sing like Colm.

I hope I went about things right  
I hope we won't all die tonight.  
To watch friends die  
One by one  
Shot by some guy  
With a gun  
It isn't easy  
It's no fun.

I'm a man,  
I'll rebound.  
No one need  
Save me this time around.  
I can't sing  
In this range  
Haven't since  
My voice changed!

Man, this role  
Takes a toll  
On my voice.  
Sing like Colm  
Sing like Colm  
There's no choice!

_(Everyone awakens as the sun rises, and ENJOLRAS mounts the Barricade.)_

ENJOLRAS:  
The people have not stirred  
We are abandoned by those who still live in fear  
Of what they all just heard.  
That song, well, sucked  
So no one wants to join us here.

MARIUS: _(Muttering)_ Sorry.

ENJOLRAS:  
Let us not waste lives.  
Let all the women and fathers go—

Éponine: No!

ENJOLRAS: _(Completely breaking down in irritation)_  
Pass the beer!

FEUILLY:  
Drink with me to days gone by  
Sing with me the songs we knew

ALL:  
At the shrine of friendship  
Raise your glass high  
Let the wine of friendship  
Never run dry.

MARIUS: _(Turning to Éponine, with a look of shocked, disgusted realization)_  
If I die… I die with you!

ENJOLRAS:  
How do we stand?  
Feuilly, make your report.

FEUILLY:  
We've guns enough  
But ammunition short.

MARIUS:  
I will go into the street  
There are bodies all around  
Ammunition to be had  
Lots of bullets to be found.

ENJOLRAS:  
I can't let you go  
It's too much of a chance!

MARIUS:  
The same is true for any man here.  
Let me go.

COURFEYRAC:  
Hey, where's that little boy?

JOLY:  
I don't know! Could have sworn he was here!

MARIUS:  
Who cares where he is?  
I said I'd volunteer!

Éponine:  
Marius, you wouldn't dare!  
If you go, I'll go with you!

MARIUS:  
Nope, too late, I'm almost there!

_(Gunfire. MARIUS ducks, it hits a random CHORUS BOY, who dies instantly. No one reacts, except for ENJOLRAS calmly tossing the dead body over the barricade and wipes the blood on his matching red vest. Then, the scary loudhailer music plays again as PATTI LUPONE climbs back onto the Barricade.)_

PATTI LUPONE:  
You at the Barricades, listen to this!  
The People of Paris have left you disowned.  
You have no chance  
No chance at all  
Prepare to be LuPwned!

ENJOLRAS:  
Let us die facing our foes  
Make them bleed while we can.

COMBEFERRE:  
Make them pay through the nose!

Éponine:  
You won't get me and my man!

ENJOLRAS:  
Let—

MARIUS: _(Cutting him off and stealing his line)_  
Let others RIIIIISE to take our place  
Until the earth is FREEE!

_(ENJOLRAS gasps in indignation.)_

ENJOLRAS: _(Spoken)_ When I said, 'let others rise to take our place,' I didn't mean right now! That was my favourite line, Marius!

MARIUS: _(Spoken)_ I'm sorry. I've just always wanted to sing that bit.

_(The Final Battle music starts to play, but is swiftly cut off by MARIUS, who holds up his hands, pulls out a folder of sheet music, and hands it to the orchestra conductor. The orchestra promptly stops and begins to play the music for "Fantine's Arrest," starting with the bit where Javert comes in.)_

MARIUS:  
Fellows, quickly, hold your fire  
I don't know if you guys care  
But we've got ourselves a hostage  
I believe his name's Javert?  
If you keep on shooting at us  
We'll shoot the Inspector, too  
But if you cease and surrender  
We'll return him safe to you.

NATIONAL GUARD GUY:  
Javert, you know we love you  
But we have to make a choice.  
And we'd rather lose you, buddy  
Than set free these rebel boys.  
This misguided Revolution  
Cannot last beyond a day  
But for something so disruptive  
Someone simply has to pay.

_(They raise their guns. MARIUS frantically looks around.)_

MARIUS:  
If you still will not surrender  
I have more tricks up my sleeve—  
I will give you Éponine here  
If you STILL refuse to leave.

Éponine:  
Hello, boys  
How are you?

NATIONAL GUARD GUY:  
OMIGOD, WHAT DO WE DO?

_(They all drop their weapons and raise a white flag, then run away, scared off by the horrible prospect of having Éponine join them. Everyone on the Barricade starts running around and hugging and cheering and pouring Gatorade on one another's heads. Éponine jumps into ENJOLRAS' arms and plants a big wet kiss on his lips. He screams like a girl and drops her. In the confusion, MARIUS unties JAVERT and sets him free.)_

JAVERT:_ (spoken)_ Wait, what?

MARIUS: _(spoken) _I made a promise. I am a man of integrity.

JAVERT: _(spoken)_ No, you're a manipulative little self-centered glory-seeker who thinks he's acting in accordance with Enlightenment ideals but is really just causing untold trouble in his misguided attempts to be a 'hero.'

MARIUS: That, too! Now, run along!

_(Everyone begins singing to the tune of "Do You Hear The People Sing.")_  
ALL:  
Do you see the Guardsmen run  
Running like mice away from men  
We are the saviours of a people  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When you offered them Javert  
And threatened them with Éponine  
You had them running for their lives,  
Pale and sickly green!

ENJOLRAS:  
We've completed our crusade  
Thanks to the ones who stood by us.  
We won the Barricade,  
Our lives are owed to Marius.

ALL:  
Let's go get a DJ, a keg, and a rad party bus!

MARIUS:  
Do you hear Les Amis sing?  
Singing my praises clear and loud?  
This is a song about a man  
Who can at last make his wife proud!  
Now I've saved a dozen lives  
And beat the beastly upper class  
I can return to my own time…  
Say, where's Montparnasse?


	5. Chapter 5

**ACT TWO!**

**SCENE ONE**  
_(VALJEAN's house. He and COSETTE are upstairs. THENARDIER slips in through the downstairs window and starts robbing him, tossing his household goods into a bag. VALJEAN and COSETTE can't hear him, even as he starts to sing loudly, because of all of the gunfire and singing and stuff outside.)_

THENARDIER:  
Here's some silver plates  
Here's some candlesticks  
Not a lot to steal here  
But I'm bent on perfect crime.

Add it to the pile  
Add it to the stack  
Here I am in Valjean's house  
I'll get him back this time!

Well, someone's got to turn him in, my friends.  
Thinks he's such a martyr, thinks I'm someone to dismiss.  
Someone's got to tie up these loose ends  
Valjean can't get away with this!

Here's a child's doll  
Paintings in the hall  
Pull a Grinch and steal the trimmings  
Off the Christmas tree.

Wait… it's still July.  
Valjean's one weird guy.  
He won't have a happy Christmas  
Once he's rendezvous'ed with me!  
Well, someone's got to turn him in, my friends  
Before his name forever disappears into the past  
Someone got to tie up these loose ends.  
I think it'll be a blast.

It's a world  
Where the dog eats dog  
And the wolves  
Do their share, live at large.  
And this time, Victor Hugo  
He don't interfere  
'Cause he's dead  
And now Schmergo's in charge.

Jean Valjean, best watch your back, 'cause  
Thenardier's in town,  
He's turnin' things around!

**SCENE TWO**  
_(Les Amis are sitting in their favourite café, drinking and celebrating the Revolution excitedly.)_

COURFEYRAC: _(Spoken)_ To Marius!

EVERYONE: _(Spoken) _To Marius!

Éponine: _(Spoken)_ To Cuddlebear!

_(ENJOLRAS looks slightly sulky, as he had rather anticipated being the hero of this particular Revolution.)_

PROUVAIRE: _(Spoken)_ I wish I were as brave as you, Marius.

MARIUS: _(Beaming)_ Thank you so much, everyone. But really, I just got lucky.

_(GRANTAIRE and Éponine muffle snickers)_

MARIUS: _(Clearing his throat uncomfortably)_ I mean, I just acted on an impulse. I had no idea what would happen. It's not like, er, I already knew what was going to happen at the barricade or anything! _(Everyone cheers, oblivious to the enormity of his lie.)_

MARIUS: Speaking of which, has anyone seen a… a young fellow with a cane and a top hat? It's high time I got home.

_(MONTPARNASSE appears outside the window and waves coquettishly. MARIUS whips around just as MONTPARNASSE pushes the red buton his cane and disappears. MARIUS blinks, clearly believing it was only his imagination.)_

JOLY: What was that?

MARIUS: Oh… nothing…

ENJOLRAS: _(Standing up)_ My friends, I…

_(The door bursts open, and JAVERT enters.)_

JAVERT: _(singing)_  
It's me, Javert!  
You know I couldn't wait too long

ENJOLRAS:  
You can't defeat us  
We're a dozen strong!

JAVERT:  
When a man's done wrong  
He can't escape the lawwwr.  
I warned you I would not give in!  
I don't care who you are!

MARIUS: _(Frantically looking over his shoulder, hoping for MONTPARNASSE to show up)_  
Another hour yet  
And then I'm yours.  
Swear I won't go… too far.

JAVERT:  
Ah, young Pontmercy once again  
Proposes bargains!

MARIUS: _(To himself)_  
Time is running short!  
Come on, Parnasse!  
The Revolution's done.  
Come on, Parnasse!  
It's time to go! We won!

JAVERT:  
Come with me now  
I will not change my mind.  
I'm patiently waiting.  
This charade is done.

JAVERT: _(Spoken)_ The facts are the facts. Your little… underground terrorist ring tried to start up a Revolution and overthrow the king. I'm not sure how you thought the ten or so of you could rule France and get away with it, but whether the National Guard surrendered or not, it still amounts to high treason. You are all under arrest.

_(All students ad-lib things like 'what' and 'but' and 'no fair!')_

BOSSUET: So what's the brilliant plan now, Marius?

MARIUS: Whaaa?

COMBEFERRE: _(Eagerly) _You always seem to know just what to do. What are we going to do this time to get out of this mess? What kinds of daring shenanigans are you going to pull off today?

JAVERT: Don't just sit there! You are all under arrest. I'm taking all of you down to the station.

_(Additional guards enter, shackle struggling Revolutionaries, and lead them out to police carriages. Revolutionaries shout and scrabble for freedom as they are dragged away. JAVERT approaches MARIUS.)_

JAVERT: And since you seem to be the unlikely ring-leader of this little game, I think you can expect to be executed.

MARIUS: What? I'm most definitely not in charge of… well, anything.

JAVERT: _(Smirking)_ Who single-handedly drive away the National Guard last night?

MARIUS: _(Suddenly realizing that he seems to have taken on Enjolras' role and not wishing to end up with a similar fate)_ Wait… there was a man who looked a bit like me at the Barricade?

JAVERT: There was a boy who looked exactly like you at the Barricade, because he was you.

MARIUS: _(Covers his face with hands) _Oh, no. Oh, no. It must have been my… my illegitimate brother. People say we look exactly alike.

JAVERT: _(Obviously not believing a word he says)_ And what is this brother's name?

MARIUS: Montparnasse.

_(JAVERT tries not to let his expression betray him, but it still flickers slightly)_

MARIUS: Oh, dear. Do you know him?

JAVERT: Montparnasse… I must have arrested him upward of ten times. Come to that, I suppose he does look like you. I have to admit, I've never seen Montparnasse in the broad daylight before.

MARIUS: Yes, yes, he does seem to prefer the shadows. _(He sighs.)_ It's a terrible embarrassment being confused with him all the time. I'm a lawyer; I get paid to defend criminals. When I show up in court, people think I'm the defendant. I hope you believe me.

JAVERT: Pontmercy, I can't say I do. But if you can prove he's your brother, I have no other choice. I've… well, I've learned my lesson about arresting look-a-likes in the past.

MARIUS: You… you want proof that it was Montparnasse at the Barricade?

JAVERT: Obviously.

MARIUS: I have… a friend who lives at 55 Rue Plumet. I was staying at his house last night. He can tell you as much.

JAVERT: 55 Rue Plumet, you say?

MARIUS: Yeah. Older gentleman, by the name of Fauchelevant? He was a good friend of my father's. Madamoiselle Fauchlevant and I should be getting married in a few months.

JAVERT: _(Drily) _Mazel tov.

MARIUS: Thank you, Inspector.

JAVERT: Well, come along now. Let's pay a visit to your Monsieur Fauchelevant.


	6. Chapter 6

**SCENE THREE**

_(Exterior of VALJEAN's house. JAVERT marches up, with MARIUS in tow and a stone-faced, silent POLICEMAN SIDEKICK. JAVERT raps three times on the door and VALJEAN opens it. VALJEAN is momentarily startled but quickly adjusts his expression to one of deceptive calm.)_

VALJEAN: Is something wrong, Inspector?

JAVERT: No, no, I just wanted to ask you a few questions, Monsieur… Fauchelevant?

VALJEAN: Yes, that's right.

JAVERT: Do you know anything about the... outburst last night in the streets?

VALJEAN: No, not really. I could hear gunfire all night, though. My daughter was scared out of her wits. I can't say I felt too comfortable, either.

JAVERT: So, you don't know anyone who was involved in the revolution?

VALJEAN: No, of course not. They were all students, weren't they? Young radicals? I don't get out much anymore. I don't know many people in Paris, especially not young people.

JAVERT: Just one more question, then.

_(JAVERT shoves MARIUS forward so VALJEAN can see him and begins to sing.)_

JAVERT:  
Who is this man?  
He says he stayed here last night.  
He says he's known you for years.  
Tell me, M'sieur, is that right?

It is your hour at last  
To do your duty to France  
Disprove a lie  
Or give the guiltless a chance.  
All it will take is a spell of your time.  
Should I acquit or convict him of this crime?

VALJEAN:  
Sir, I can't say that I've seen him before.  
It brings me great pain, he looks frightened and poor.  
I don't know why he would single me out.  
But I'm sure I've never seen this man about.  
There is nothing on earth that we share.  
Have a good night, Inspector Javert.

MARIUS: _(Shocked and frantic)_  
How can that man allow himself  
To say he can't remember me?  
He sacrificed his health to save me  
He gave me my life  
He gave me Cosette.  
And now, my fate rests in his hands—  
Can this be right?  
He turns me over to Javert,  
He leaves me lost, without a prayer!

And my thoughts fly apart—  
And I suddenly see  
This is not Valjean's fault  
No, the blame rests on me!  
He skipped the Barricade this time  
I never gave 'Ponine that poem  
He never dragged me through the sewer  
He never met me  
Or sang "Bring Him Home."

He doesn't know Cosette's in love  
How could he know?  
And so, though he once saved my life  
This time, he's killed me even so.

I am reaching for lifelines  
For excuses, alibis  
As I'm tangled in the web  
Of my bluffs and shameless lies.  
Put my faith in one last hope  
My last hope was Jean Valjean.  
Now there's nowhere I can turn,  
Now that final hope is gone!

_(Swooping music plays as MARIUS has his big, dramatic emo moment.)_

JAVERT: _(Suddenly singing to the tune of the very end part of "Who Am I?")_  
It's strange, Monsieur, I swear it's true  
I feel that somehow, I know you…  
Who are you?

THENARDIER: _(Suddenly popping out of the upstairs window of the house and shouting down)_  
HE'S JEAN VALJEAN!

JAVERT: _(His eyes gleaming with insane, vindictive glee)_  
Come with me,  
Two-four-six-oh-oooooooooone!

_(JAVERT shackles MARIUS, while the stone-faced SIDEKICK gets VALJEAN. VALJEAN comes silently with dignity, but his face is astonished, especially as he keeps looking back at THENARDIER, who is blatantly robbing his house and who JAVERT somehow totally ignored in the shock of finding VALJEAN after so many years.)_

**SCENE FOUR, PART ONE**

_(A small, dingy jail. Les Amis are packed into it, two to a cell—ENJOLRAS and JEAN PROUVAIRE, COMBEFERRE and COURFEYRAC, JOLY and BOSSUET, GRANTAIRE and Éponine. JAVERT enters, with MARIUS and VALJEAN, who are thrown into a previously empty cell. MARIUS is looking down at his feet, avoiding eye contact and looking appropriately miserable for the title of the show. VALJEAN is still wearing an indignant but dignified expression.)_

FEUILLY: Well, look who's here. It's the big hero.

GRANTAIRE: Thanks, by the way, for all of the help and support you gave us back there. We all really appreciate it.

MARIUS: Look, I—

ENJOLRAS: We understand. We misunderstood you. We thought you were serious about the Republic and misinterpreted your actions to mean that you were passionate about the cause and your brothers. Now that we realize that you were doing it all for yourself, we'll be sure not to make that mistake again.

MARIUS: What? I—

VALJEAN: I understand what this is. You're a member of Patron-Minette, aren't you? Thenardier told you about me. You and he had an agreement to turn me in to Javert in order to try and keep from ending up in prison yourselves.

MARIUS: Now that is just completely untrue!

VALJEAN: I told Javert I'd never seen you before, but the more I see of you, I realize, I do remember you. You attacked me in the alley once. I gave you my wallet, and I told you the dire consequences of crime. Apparently, you were so transfixed by the wallet that you didn't listen to a word I said. You're a young man. Your whole life is ahead of you. Why turn to a life of crime?

MARIUS: You have me confused with someone else! That was Montparnasse.

COURFEYRAC: Yeah, we've all heard that story before. And I think we can see how that turned out.

ENJOLRAS: Citizen, let me explain something to you. The dream of the Republic is liberty, fraternity, and equality. Nowhere in there does it mention glory or personal gain. A Revolution for other reasons is not a Revolution, it is a corrupt coup d'etat and a disgrace to the name of liberty. You have turned the Revolution I devoted the last two years of my life to planning out, into a mockery.

MARIUS: I really didn't—

COMBEFERRE: Marius, imagine you could travel back in time and return to the Barricade again.

MARIUS: Not such a wild leap of the imagination…

COMBEFERRE: Imagine you could do it over, and all of us were injured, and someone arrived to help out and he could only save one person, leaving the rest of us to die.

MARIUS: Again, not so hard to imagine…

JOLY: If that person rescued you, would you say, 'No, don't save me, save one of my other friends. Don't come back for me until everyone else is safe'? Is that what you would say?

MARIUS: Well, I—

PROUVAIRE: We would do that for you, Marius. We all would have done that.

BOSSUET: I'm starting to wish I hadn't let Blondeau scratch my name off the class roster to save your hide.

MARIUS: That was the book, Bossuet. No one's read that. This is the musical.

BOSSUET: Oh. Sorry.

_(The music for "Turning" begins to play. The boys whip out the instruments from "Drink With Me," like the guitar and especially the harmonica, because what sort of prison scene is it without harmonicas? Éponine turns to MARIUS and shouts, "You're not even that cute after all!")_

ENJOLRAS:  
Did you see us marching off to fight  
For a hollow victory that didn't last the night?

COMBEFERRE:  
Did you see us, marching off to jail  
With a jeering mob of children following our trail?

COURFEYRAC:  
We're in college, we can't pay this bail!

PROUVAIRE:  
How long 'till we're free?  
No one can say.

JOLY:  
Did you really think that we'd be better off this way?

FEUILLY:  
Marius, I'm really not impressed.  
Even if you couldn't save us, why not do your best?

GRANTAIRE:  
Dude, the gendarmes ripped up Enjy's vest!

COMBEFERRE:  
Same old Marius, he'll never change.

COURFEYRAC:  
Why should we expect friendship or favors in exchange?

BOSSUET:  
Nothing changes, it's the same routine.  
Once he's made himself look good, he finds another scene.

GRANTAIRE: _(Gesturing hopelessly to his cellmate.)_  
Thanks to you, I'm stuck with Éponine!

ALL:  
Learning, learning, finally we see.  
Never hope for any sort of help from Pontmercy.  
Nothing changes, nothing ever can.  
What can you expect from such a self-important man?

VALJEAN:  
Or was this a part of some big plan?

_(MARIUS breaks down and begins to cry. He glances around the jail full of hostile men who not an hour before thought he was the greatest hero they'd ever known and now want to rip him limb for limb.)_

MARIUS:  
There's a pain that's deep inside me  
Like a knife that cuts and cuts  
Empty promise, empty glory  
Now my friends all hate my guts.

We all planned for Revolution  
And when that day finally came  
I was hardcore flippin' awesome  
But my joy has turned to shame.

_("I Dreamed A Dream" music begins to play cued by Marius' last line, and promptly stops, switching back to "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables.")_

We all shared a common dream of  
A new future all for us  
But those dreams died when I threw them  
Under the omnibus

I did it all to please Cosette  
But could she love a traitor?  
She didn't love non-traitor me… come on…

Now my friends cannot forgive me  
And I guess it's just as well  
Empty promise, empty glory  
At least R's not in this cell.

Ancient feces smeared on windows  
Ancient urine on the floor.  
Lousy choices, lice in mattress…  
This cell's foul down to the core.

Now my friends no longer ask me  
Civil questions, never chat  
Empty promise, empty glory  
Oh, hey look! A rabid rat!


	7. Chapter 7

**Scene Four, Part Two**  
_(MARIUS is sitting there sobbing hysterically and VALJEAN is desperately trying to avoid his eyes, not wanting to comfort him but not wanting to make him feel even worse. COSETTE enters, looking like a shiny little ray of sunshine sparkling in the dingy old jail. She looks horrified at the squalid surroundings.)_

VALJEAN: _(Jumping to his feet)_ Cosette?

MARIUS: Oh, no! I'm so distraught and grief-stricken that I'm imagining my true love standing here before me!

COSETTE: No, Marius, you adorable little doofus, it's me! You know, Cosette? Long brown hair, big blue eyes, nice cleavage, crazy about you?

MARIUS: Cosette! Oh, I forgot how beautiful you are! _(Presses against the bars of the jail cell, clinging to them passionately and overdramatically. He grasps Cosette's hands through the bars of the cell.) _You are an angel, my darling, for visiting me in this horrible prison! Please say you'll continue to love me, though I am a man of tarnished honor?

COSETTE: Listen, I—

VALJEAN: Cosette? You know this man?

COSETTE: Yes, I do, dad, but that's not important right now. What's important is, why are you in jail?

VALJEAN: It's… a very long story.

COSETTE: I have time.

VALJEAN: Just the part about the bishop alone is fifty-eight pages.

COSETTE: Well, maybe not that much time. Can you… make it short and sweet? Clif Notes version?

VALJEAN: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… tax evasion.

COSETTE: Ah.

VALJEAN: Yep. Tax evasion. Plumb forgot to pay my taxes.

ENJOLRAS: Because he didn't want to bend at the will of the man!

VALJEAN: No, no, I just forgot. Forgot to pay my taxes. That's it.

COSETTE: Hmm. Why did the policeman call you 24601?

VALJEAN: What? Oh, er, that's the amount I forgot to pay. $246.01.

COSETTE: Who's Jean Valjean?

VALJEAN: I haven't the slightest idea.

COSETTE: Thenardier called you that when he was robbing our house.

MARIUS: _(Furious) _Thenardier robbed your house?

COSETTE: Yeah, don't worry, I tied him to a chair and kicked it down the stairs. He's out cold.

MARIUS: Angel!

COSETTE: _(Not missing a beat)_ But Dad? Why did he call you Jean Valjean? Why did Inspector Javert call you that as well? I get this feeling like there's something you haven't told me.

MARIUS: _(Coming to the rescue)_ You know, I think that poor policeman's a bit confused. He has these… flash backs to his… war days. Jean Valjean was probably someone he knew back then. He calls everyone he arrests Jean Valjean. He must have called me "Jean Valjean" twenty times on the way over here. Thenardier probably knows that Javert won't arrest anyone unless he thinks they're Jean Valjean—he should know, he's been arrested more times than I've had hot meals. Sometimes, Javert forgets his own name and calls himself Jean Valjean. It's all so sad, terribly sad. He was a good policeman in his day.

_(VALJEAN turns to MARIUS and mouths, "THANK YOU!")_

VALJEAN: Ah, see, that must be it. I wouldn't have known, seeing as I've never met Javert before or anything.

COSETTE: _(Looking as though she knows better)_ Oh. Is that so.

VALJEAN: Indeed it is. _(Changing the subject again.)_ So… tell me, how do you know this man?

COSETTE: Well, I—

MARIUS: _(Blurting out) _We've been secretly engaged for several months! I love her, M'sieur, as I love my own heart! I may not be worthy of her, but I beg of you to grant me her hand so I may bask in her light!

COSETTE: (Slightly embarrassed) Er… yeah, Dad. Meet my boyfriend.

VALJEAN: _(Sighing)_ Cosette's first boyfriend, and I meet him in jail. I guess it goes to show that nice girls always go for the bad boy.

COSETTE:_ (Laughing hysterically)_ I'm sorry, Dad, but just the idea of anyone calling Marius a bad boy! Sorry!

VALJEAN: _(To Marius) _Is this why you asked the Inspector to bring you by my house?

MARIUS: Yes, I'm very sorry, but I hoped that Cosette would defend me and explain to you later. I didn't know she wasn't awake yet. We should never have gone behind your back in the first place. And I'm sorry about the Revolution—

ENJOLRAS: You should never be sorry about the Revolution!

MARIUS: I'm sorry about causing so much trouble, and being so selfish. I betrayed my father's honour.

VALJEAN: Are you sure you want to marry this guy, Cosette? He seems like a drip.

COSETTE: Well, that's true. But he's so cute, dad! And he loves me so much! And… he has such a magnificent singing voice!

_(MARIUS beams at the 'singing voice' comment, smiling so wildly it looks like his lips are going to fall off.)_

COSETTE: _(sings)_  
Every day, I love you even more.

MARIUS:  
And when I'm sixty-four?

COSETTE:  
I'll love you more still.

MARIUS:  
Everyday, I'll love you everyday!

GRANTAIRE:  
Will you please go away?  
This song is SNORESVILLE!

Éponine:  
Don't listen to her, Marius!

COSETTE:  
Oh, stop it, you're hilarious.  
_(To Grantaire)_  
I will never go away  
Because I'll come and visit everyday.  
Everyday…

MARIUS:  
Up until I get hanged, anyway.

COSETTE:  
A heart full of love…

GRANTAIRE:  
You're so full of poo.

MARIUS:  
The words are old  
But always true.

GRANTAIRE:  
Have you no shame?  
This song is really, really lame.

MARIUS:  
Dear Madamoiselle…

COSETTE:  
Wish you weren't in that cell.  
A heart full of love

GRANTAIRE:  
Some of us would like to sleep.

COSETTE:  
No fear, no regret.

Éponine:  
That Cosette is such a [BLEEP]

COSETTE:  
I love you, Marius Pontmercy.

MARIUS:  
Cosette, Cosette!

VALJEAN:  
This is so awkward for me.  
Yes, indeed  
Yes, indeed

COSETTE:  
I want you home again with me.

MARIUS:  
I'd rather be!

COSETTE:  
I can see!

MARIUS:  
I love you.

BOTH:  
For it isn't a dream.

GRANTAIRE:  
A heart full of UGH!

MARIUS AND COSETTE:  
You're my life!

Éponine:  
Yeah, yeah, [CENSORED] you!

_(Song ends, to all of the other inmates' utter delight.)_

COSETTE: _(Spoken)_ Don't worry, babe, I'll get you out of here.

GRANTAIRE: As if that's possible.

COSETTE: No, don't worry. I got all of the money Thenardier stole from us… and as it turned out, a lot of the money in that bag wasn't ours to begin with. So I suddenly have a huge sum of money on my hands.

ABOUT FOUR OF THE REVOLUTIONARIES: SWEET FREEDOM!_ (They hug each other.)_

COSETTE: But I only have enough to bail out one person.

ALL: _(Looking resentfully at MARIUS)_ Oh.

COURFEYRAC: I see how it is.

VALJEAN: Cosette, it's all right. I can see you love this young man. Set him free, don't worry about me.

MARIUS: Cosette, darling, I—

COSETTE: Don't worry, I wasn't about to bail out you, Marius.

MARIUS: WHAT?!

_(COSETTE exits. There is some offstage low murmurings, an unintelligible conversation. COSETTE returns with Javert's silent, stone-faced SIDEKICK, who gruffly pulls a key ring out of his pocket and unlocks the cell that Éponine and GRANTAIRE share.)_

GRANTAIRE: Cosette, I didn't know you cared!

COSETTE: As if, booze-breath. _(She grabs Éponine's arm and pulls her to her feet.)_ Come on, 'Ponine, let's go.

Éponine: WHAT?

EVERYONE ELSE: WHAT?

Éponine: We're going to be best friends! We can paint each other's toenails and watch "Ten Things I Hate About You" and listen to the Jonas Brothers and read to each other from Twilight and talk on the phone and gossip about boys and fight over Marius and share clothes!

COSETTE: Yeah, um, sure. Hey, Éponine, I have an idea. You like to sing, right?

Éponine: I love to sing! I get all the best songs!

COSETTE: Um, riiiiiiight. Well, how about you come with me?

_(COSETTE and Éponine link arms and skip offstage. We hear offstage Éponine shrieking to an assemblage of policemen, "Hello, boys!" Then all of a sudden, we hear: )_

Éponine: _(Offstage)_  
ON MY OWN  
PRETENDING HE'S BESI-I-IDE ME!  
ALL ALONE  
I WALK WITH HIM TILL MORNING!

POLICEMEN: _(Offstage)_ No! No! No! Please! No! Anything but that! No! Agh! Okay, okay, we'll set the rest of them free!

_(There is a horrible crash. Five twitching, shell-shocked looking policeman march onstage, with a smug looking Éponine and COSETTE, and reluctantly unlock all of the cells.)_

REVOLUTIONARIES: YES! Hahaha! SCORE! _(They all hug each other)_

COURFEYRAC: Marius, I forgive you for everything because your girlfriend is totally awesome.

ENJOLRAS: I think we can stand to give you another chance.

MARIUS: Well, there's always the next revolution!

COSETTE: _(Kissing VALJEAN on the cheek)_ Dad, can Marius and I have a minute before we go home? I want to talk to him for a bit on my own.

Éponine: ON MY OWN!

COSETTE: _(Covering Éponine's mouth)_ Is that all right with you?

VALJEAN: Oh, certainly. Just don't be too long.

GRANTAIRE: _(Under his breath) _He isn't.

_(COSETTE grabs MARIUS' hand.)_

COSETTE: Come on, Marius.

MARIUS: Where are we going?

COSETTE: You'll see. I have something important to tell you.


	8. Chapter 8

**Scene Four, Part Two**

MARIUS:  
My dear, this is a day I never can forget.

Is gratitude enough for saving me, Cosette?

Soon, you'll be home with me

And not a day will pass

When I won't prove my love

To you, whom I will call

A saviour to me and a saviour to us all!

COSETTE:  
I love you, too, but I digress--

Look, I have something to confess.

You've spoken from the heart

So I guess I will, too.

There's something that I've done

That I concealed from you

That I have to tell.

I never told a soul

So don't tell anyone

But promise you'll still love me

When my story's done.

If not… oh well…

There lived a man whose name was Enjolras

He loved a girl who lived a street across.

He never looked at any other female frame

Each night, he prayed and said her name.

MARIUS:  
And the girl?

COSETTE:  
She didn't love him, never looked his way.

That never changed, up 'till his dying day.

Then after twenty years went by

She traveled back to that July

She thought she'd choose The Enj instead

Over the other man she'd wed.

MARIUS: _(Crushed and devastated, realizing that COSETTE had traveled back in time to choose ENJOLRAS over him.)_  
You love him.  
I won't stop you

Go ahead.

COSETTE:

Marius, babe?

I was wrong, don't you see

Enjolras was a creep.

Yours is the only face

I want to see

When I wake from my sleep.

You proved yourself, I saw that I was a jerk

And I finally see

You are my choice, and the only man

Who is perfect for me.

Do you want me back?  
I've treated you like slime!

MARIUS:  
Cosette, I'd pick you every time.

COSETTE:  
Oh, this is all just too sublime!

_(They kiss. It's pretty cute.)_

MARIUS: _(Spoken)_ Cosette, I said I would prove myself at the Barricade, and I did save the day… but you heard what my friends were saying. I only did it for the glory. I sacrificed their safety for my own pride.

COSETTE: I know, Marius. And that's what I love so much about you! Because you're not just another guy who saved the day for reasons of Honor and Heroism! That's a freakin' drippy thing to do. That's what Enjolras would do! _(Pulls a face)_ You only did it to impress me, at the risk of everyone else you knew! And that's a jerk thing to do, but it's just the sort of thing I love!

MARIUS: Oh, you are perfect for me.

COSETTE: Yeah, I know.

MARIUS: Ugh, I can't believe Enjolras liked you. I thought he didn't like anyone.

COSETTE: Yeah, Grantaire'll be crushed.

MARIUS: Hey… maybe Enjolras can get together with Eponine!

_(They both laugh hysterically.)_

**Scene Five**

_(MARIUS and COSETTE's wedding scene! Apparently, they decided to get remarried in the past. They both look adorable.)_

CHORUS:  
Ring out the bells upon this day of days!  
May all the angels of the Lord above  
In jubilation sing their songs of praise!  
And crown this blessed time with peace and love.

THAT GUY**:** The Baron de Thénard and the Baron Seigneur de Temps wish to pay their respects to the groom!

_(THENARDIER enters, all dressed up… with MONTPARNASSE, who is also all dressed up and toting along a cane.)_

THENARDIER:  
I forget, where we met—

MARIUS:  
Cut the antics, I really don't care.

COSETTE:  
How did you

Get back here?  
How did you get untied from that chair?

THENARDIER:  
Had some help from a friend

Knew I had to come back in the end.

MARIUS:  
Go away, Thenardier

Did you think I don't know who you are? _(Turns to MONTPARNASSE)_  
Montparnasse

Finally

Let's go home-- this has all been bizarre.

MONTPARNASSE:  
Not just yet, har har har!

COSETTE: (Spoken) Can we please just stop singing for a moment? This is serious.

MONTPARNASSE: (Spoken) But I've barely gotten to sing at all!

COSETTE: It's certainly an improvement on the first Les Miserables. Did you enjoy your one line?

MONTPARNASSE: _(Pouting in a most unparnassish manner) _Two. They added, 'This is his lair, I've seen the old fox around' for me.

COSETTE: Well, that's not important—

MONTPARNASSE: Plus, I'm in the ensemble.

COSETTE: I—

MONTPARNASSE: I usually get a few miscellaneous other lines in other roles, if I'm lucky. If the cast is really small, I—

COSETTE: Are you just trying to get as many lines in as possible?

MONTPARNASSE: Yes. Yes, I am.

COSETTE: What I was going to say is, I'm beginning to suspect something is up.

MARIUS AND MONTPARNASSE: What?

COSETTE: Montparnasse took me back in time, and also Marius, correct?

MONTPARNASSE: Indeed.

COSETTE: And we changed things in the past, correct?

MONTPARNASSE: Indubitably.

COSETTE: But Thenardier never successfully robbed my house before.

MONTPARNASSE: Ah.

COSETTE: And I can't think of any actions of mine or Marius' that would affect that.

MONTPARNASSE: Oh.

COSETTE: So tell me, what is the meaning of all of this?

THENARDIER: Oh, I'll tell you, Suzie-Q! I was doing fine and dandy down in America, but one day, I woke up, and I said to meself, "Eugene—"

COSETTE: Why 'Eugene?'

THENARDIER: 'Cos that's me name. Anyways, 'Eugene,' I says, 'It's a right shame you never got back at that good-for-nothing Jean-Val-Whatshisface.' And then I remembered, 'Oh, Eugene, you are a clever one, you are. On account of you have a friend what's a time lord!' So I calls him up, and we come up with a cunning scheme. And the scheme was to bring that pansy-pants, pouncy-boots, pasty-face little Pontmercy back in time and get him to bring Javert to Valjean's place. And I dare say it worked a charm, only (jerks thumb at Cosette) I didn't 'zactly plan on that one tying me to a chair and kickin' me down the stairs, like.

COSETTE: Yes, a few people seem to be, for some reason. You can't grow up with a neurotically overprotective, paranoid, inhumanly strong father without knowing a thing or two about self-defense.

MARIUS: _(Much less calmly than anyone else in the scene) _Wait a minute, wait a minute, this whole 'go back in time, prove your worth, and impress Cosette' thing was just a ruse to get Valjean arrested?

MONTPARNASSE: Pretty much.

MARIUS: So everything you said to me was a lie.

MONTPARNASSE: It's what I do.

MARIUS: _(Bursting into tears)_ Montparnasse, I trusted you!

MONTPARNASSE: Well, that was certainly a stupid idea. Why would you trust a shadowy man you meet in an alleyway who refers to himself as the 'fop of the house of death?'

MARIUS: Well, you did sing that awfully convincing little song.

MONTPARNASSE: Marius, how did we first meet?

MARIUS: … you pulled a knife on me in Look Down/The Robbery.

MONTPARNASSE: Yes. Well, I rest my case. You as a lawyer should know that your reasons for trusting me would not hold up in court. Goodbye, darlings. _(Begins to strut off.)_

MARIUS: You get back here! Where do you think you're going?

MONTPARNASSE: The 1950's. I plan on stealing absolutely everything of Elvis Presley's.

MARIUS: No, you don't. You're taking us back to our time period.

MONTPARNASSE: Nothing doing. You as a lawyer should know that if I never signed a contract, I am not legally required to take you back. I only told you I'd take you to the past.

MARIUS: But I have responsibilities!

MONTPARNASSE: Then wait twenty-five years! _(He is about to press the button on his cane, when THENARDIER snatches the cane from him.) _What in the name of Vidocq are you doing, man?

THENARDIER: I still haven't got my revenge, mate. I'm not givin' up until Jean Valjean pays, for good!

MARIUS: He'll be dead in a scene. Isn't that revenge enough?

_(THENARDIER and MONTPARNASSE begin an epic battle the cane. All of the wedding guests are watching in earnest confusion as these two men engage in an odd little tug of war.)_

MONTPARNASSE: Wouldn't do that if I were you, old man. I'm a time lord. You don't know how to handle this kind of power.

THENARDIER: Oh, yeah? Well I say why should you get to be old Mister High-and-Mighty Time Lord? You're just 'Parnasse. I've knowed you since you was a little nipper. I says, why shouldn't I be a time lord, eh? You're no better off than me, I reckon. I was at Waterloo—what have you ever done with your life? You only had two lines.

MONTPARNASSE: _(Pulling on the cane with all of his strength and grunting)_ You know why I only had two lines? _(THENARDIER shakes his head, yanking the cane.)_ Because was too busy being a time lord to bother with the rest of the musical.

_(He gives one final mighty yank the cane goes flying into the air THENARDIER catches it and flips open the top.)_

THENARDIER: At last, my arm is complete!

MONTPARNASSE: Oh shut up.

_(THENARDIER is about to push the button.)_

MONTPARNASSE: I would not do that if I were you.

_(THENARDIER cackles, pushes the button, and a blade pops out and stabs him through the heart.)_

MONTPARNASSE: _(Calmly)_ Wrong button. Told you I wouldn't do that if I were you. _(Calmly takes the cane off of Thenardier's dead body and popping the blade back into the cane.)_

_(Everyone at the weddings is staring in horror at Thenardier's bloody corpse.)_

MONTPARNASSE: _(Muttering to himself.)_ Respect the lingre.

_(Humongous awkward silence.)_

MARIUS: _(Clutching Cosette and looking around at the assembled group.)_ Excuse us a moment.

_(They run off.)_

MONTPARNASSE_: (Kicking the bloody corpse into a corner and wiping his bloody gloves on his frock coat.)_

Ain't it a laugh

Ain't it a treat

I'm standing here

Thenardier's beat.

There goes his scene

I get his song

I've wanted this

For so very long.

Corpse is at my feet

Blood is on the ground

I'll step in as a lead

And turn this show around!

Master of deceit

Genius in tight pants

Wanted him dead all along

And took my chance.

Everywhere you go  
Extras with small parts

Some move up to leads

But most have broken hearts.

Singing every night ensemble

Praying to fill in for leads

But I'm the one who stabs

And I'm the one who grabs

Roles and succeeds.

Watch the buggers gasp

Stare in jealousy

All the other extras

Wish that they were me.

Master of deceit

Working toward my goal

Brought him back in time

So I could steal his role!  
I know how to steal a show, and

That's literally what I do.

So call me crazy, baby

Maybe next time I'll be playing you!


End file.
